Keep Dreaming
From the time I was a small girl I dreamt of being in the mission field. Someone at my grandmother’s church did that locally and globally. It seemed like something that aligned with my heart because I wanted to “help people.” It was more of the medical focus and nursing focus that had my attention.
However, so much in my life was falling apart then and the idea of doing that seemed like a far stretch. It was never a dream that was supported by anyone I knew, and the faith aspect of missionary work didn’t fit the world’s view of who I was. Life had been really hard for many of my childhood years, but I always felt like God was there with me through it all.
By 18 years old I had been through abandonment from my mother, domestic violence, rape, molestation by older men, and self-harm. None of those things probably align with the stereotypical view of a Jesus follower or missionary. Throughout all of my mistakes and having to beg God to forgive me and soften my heart to forgive others I still hoped to do mission work. I just wanted to love on people and take care of them. Still, I wasn’t in the mindset of evangelical Christian mission work. It seemed that I thought my actions would show God’s love and speak louder than reciting the bible.
No one ever supported my heavy drive on my heart to do this. I had a failed marriage because I was an adulterer. I struggled with my own demons of needing love and attention that was deprived of me my whole life and skewed my view through rape and being used by men. By my second marriage I was truly a mess. God showed such mercy on me with the sweet and precious gifts of my children. They gave me purpose when I wasn’t seeking God. That marriage would end to due to mental abuse and sexual abuse, but I was unchanged as well. Life just got harder. I didn’t make an 80 on my final exam for pediatric nursing which meant my whole career and future path had changed in the midst of a 2nd divorce. I was homeless and hopeless. Still, I was trying to do it on my own.
Isaiah 12:2 Indeed, God is my salvation; I will trust in Him and not be afraid, for the Lord, the Lord himself, is my strength and my song. He has become my salvation.”
By this time, I knew I wanted to cry out to him for help but I still wasn’t there yet. Thank God he was still with me through it all. Money was so tight and the only way I was able to get help was by begging my ex for money or family. I was at the end of my rope and for some reason in all this chaos I thought I want to go on a mission trip. I sought out a way to go to Guatemala with barely any money to even care for the girls and I. I didn’t want to beg or do things from manipulation of men to get money to survive. I sat in the car 4 days before airfare had to be bought for the trip to Guatemala and I cried out loud for God to help me. I went to church that Sunday and felt like all eyes judged me for my appearance and my heart for serving. I was in fact completely “nasty” in my mind. However, in the midst of all my life’s darkness and sin, the church gave me the money to go.
When I got to Guatemala, I felt like I was safe from the pain in my life. However, I was told over and over again from close relatives and others that I really didn’t have any right doing this when I didn’t have the money to barely pay my bills. “Single people do this, Trish. Not mothers with no money.” The first day we went out to do ministry, one of the men came to pray with us and wanted to speak peace over us. When they got to me, I didn’t feel anxious or think much of it. The girl and guy prayed over me and then he got quiet. He just said, “I feel like God just wants you to know that you’re his beautiful daughter and that you don’t have to fight so hard anymore.” My heart just felt wrecked. How did he know what I had been struggling with as far as shame, trauma, and pain? After that I made a choice to change my life from at least one sin I knew I never wanted a part of again.
That trip was rewarding. We helped install stoves, prayed with people in poverty, and ministered to some of the women there. Before I was even touching ground in the U.S. I already had plans for more and more missions. Maybe through showing God’s love on other people I could grow closer too. On another level they reached my heart and brought me back to a place of following God and feeling worth again.
